Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head