I cannot call her anything else now
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
These are so Plastic Man-core
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”