Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.