I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
![]()
You Might Also Like
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
![]()
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
![]()
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
![]()
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.