Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

OH. COME. ON.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”