I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.