Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
You Might Also Like
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition