Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

you will never know the true number of layers

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality