I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
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Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.