I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
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Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
This made me chuckle.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me: