I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
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HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.