Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That took me a moment.

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun