I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
You Might Also Like
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.