I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
