Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

(Jupiter –

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

how was your vacation

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again