I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
You Might Also Like
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.