I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
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the saddest jazz hands ever
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”