i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
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Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.