i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
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ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
That’s commitment
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My work here is don’t.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Thursday Thought.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?