i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
You Might Also Like
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
what’s really going on
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Doctors texting each other.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.