I cannot stop laughing at this
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A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Just me?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
me, after any kind of buffet.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker