I cannot stop laughing at this
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Facebook memories be like
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]