I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Ah yes. The three genders
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”