I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted