Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.