I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
You Might Also Like
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
i’m still crying at this
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
couldn’t resist
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.