I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.