I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Sniffing the broccoli
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh