I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons