I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?