I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
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“Ninja please” -Japanese people
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
liiiiiiiiike
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
pep talk
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I enjoy a good short stor
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister