I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”