I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
