I can鈥檛 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
me: you think i鈥檓 too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we鈥檙e starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
May your ex鈥檚 phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Something Saturday.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I don鈥檛 like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I鈥檝e always hated her for it.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Millennials complain a lot about how we can鈥檛 afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn鈥檛鈥ike GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Murderer: what鈥檚 wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that鈥檚 my favorite!
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world鈥檚 richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos鈥檚 GoFundMe page. 鉂わ笍
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger鈥檚 my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???