I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Autocarrot sucks!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.