Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.