Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

happy friday

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time