Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

My sex drive has a dui

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.