I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
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Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
bury ourselves
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
when she block me on everything
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.