I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
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10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice