Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.