Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

6. me as a lawyer

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.