Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

ㅤ

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better