Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

I don’t believe him.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect