I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass