I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
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I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?