Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.