I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]