I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
What’s a Messi?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I love the honesty
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Fluff me with a fork baby
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.