I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed