I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
he looks great for his age
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Most fashion shows these days…