I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…