I can’t be the only one 😂
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*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
this is a sign that you need a union
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.