I can’t be the only one 😂
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
look scared
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”