I can’t be the only one 😂
You Might Also Like
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
