I can’t be the only one 😂
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cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
who wants to go expliring
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”