I can’t be the only one 😂
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My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
A male goth is called a broth.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
the answer was staring at me all along
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive