I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell