I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?