I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.