I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
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Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo