I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
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If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
shit just got real
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.