I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
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My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
the noise i just made
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My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.