Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

Some of y’all tomorrow …