Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?