I can’t be the only one 😂
You Might Also Like
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty