I can’t be the only one 😂
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.