Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

nice challenge

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.