Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

Breaking news:

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her: