I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
🐕🍷
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
plums roundup
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor