I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
The French word for sex is croissant.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My dream car is a taco truck.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.