Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲