I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor