I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
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(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Holy shit he’s back
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*