I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Perfect
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.